The Commuter Wars: Bikes rule, cars smell, let's all go get some hot dogs.

Originally Published on Music for America, 9/26/05.

I was drunk and hungry when I rolled up to the Taco Bell drive-thru. It was 1 am. I was riding a bicycle, and my dreams of crunchy tacos were about to be dashed to pieces.

The charmingly fuzzy intercom voice informed me and my two-wheeled whip that the drive-thru was for cars only. When businesses refuse to take your money based on your mode of transportation, you know there's a culture war a-brewing.

So, fellow bicyclists, if this is a war, then we are the soldiers. Line up everyone, it's time to survey our forces. Roll call!



The Bike Ninja

If you've ever seen some dude cut straight through rush hour traffic without slowing down, then you understand what it means to be a bike ninja. Bike ninjas ignore lanes and traffic laws. They ride up on sidewalks and down narrow alleyways. Though seemingly reckless, they are always aware of their surroundings and they never cause accidents. Like a gust of wind, they are subtle and elusive, present and then gone, causing you to scratch your head and wonder whether they were just a figment of your imagination.

This category also includes BMX riders, who employ the ninja techniques of wheelie poppin' and bunny hoppin'.

Chopper Gangs

Choppers are altered bicycles, usually designed with extended front forks to look like low-riders. See image below:



Chopper enthusiasts are as close as bicyclists get to the conventional bikers, or motorcyclists. They ride in packs and range from very dirty to kinda dirty. They pretend to be mean, but are mostly happy-go-lucky, and can sometimes be found in bars dancing to Cyndi Lauper tunes on the juke.

Chopper gangs bring flair to the art of bike repair and are very talented mechanics.

Some notable chopper chapters include CRUD, based in San Francisco, and SCUL, out of Boston. Look them up if you want to go party and then ride around and be goofy.

The Professionals

Professional bike riders are anyone who rides their bike for a living. This includes the Tour de France types as well as the bike messengers. These are some of the healthiest and most talented people in the world, and will leave you choking on their dust everytime. Professionals can be identified by one or more of the following:

1. Geeky skin-tight uniforms


2. Single speed "fixed" gears


3. big lumpy "bike muscles" on their inner thighs

Professionals obey all traffic laws, and are generally intense and focused individuals.

The Utilitarians

Last but not least, utilitarians are people who ride bikes simply to get around. A utilitarian would probably buy a car if he/she could afford one, and therefore are the most reluctant members of the bicycle armada. They are our draftees. Utilitarians ride cheap, squeaky bikes with warped wheels. They often don't have all the luxeries of your average bike, such as working gears or brakes, although they are more likely to have kick stands.

*Note: This list only includes road bikers, which is why there is no mention of mountain bikes.

Our Strategy

Just as no one likes a self-righteous vegetarian (sorry guys, it's true), nobody likes a self-righteous bicyclist as well. It's important we remember that our society depends on cars, and they can be cool for moving large heavy objecs from place to place, and driving across country. For the most part, the bike armada just wants people to use their cars in moderation, okay you crazy motorists?

So, with that in mind, here's our strategy. We the bicycle armada, being of sound mind and body, will hereby:

• be humbly content with our civic-minded, healthy lifestyles


• be courteous to motorists, when possible


• be enthusiastic and inclusive to those outside the fold


• encourage more bike riding by saying things such as:
  
  • Yo homeslice, let's ride to the park and then play around on the swings or
  
  
  • I bet I can beat you in a bike race to the hotdog stand


• be aware the next time we are flying down a hill, and the sun is setting, and the pavement blurs beneath our feet, and the wind is rushing through our hair, making our eyes water, our cheeks rosy and our noses run, that there is no other place in the entire world we'd rather be than straddling that banana seat.

Sound good to you? Well then turn off your goddamn computer and go enjoy yourself.