January 20th, 2005: Your definitive guide to Inauguration Day

This Thursday, January 20th marks the 55th presidential inauguration and the re-swearing of incumbent George Walker Bush to the office of the President of the United States of America. Snuck right up on you, eh? Stay calm, now; please, stop screaming. While time may be running out, you will still have the opportunity to strap on your square-dancing pants and prepare yourself for what could be the event gala of the waning half of January ’05.

Do you like parades? Fancy dinners? Tightly packed ballrooms clouded with the cigar smoke of the illustriously industriously wealthy? Are you only mildly annoyed by protestors? Then Inauguration ’05 is the place for you! I’ve written up a synopsis on the rich and sometimes scandalous history of American Inauguration to ease your salivating anticipation. Enjoy!

A Brief History of The Inauguration Ceremony

The first Inauguration Ceremony corresponded (rather appropriately) with the induction of our nation’s first President, George Washington, to office. Our nation’s capital yet to have been built, the ceremony took place in the Federal Hall building of Temptation Island, later renamed New York City. Due to a lack of previous presidents, Washington had little choice but to establish ceremonial procedure which would later evolve into lasting traditions. Washington himself ad-libbed the phrase, “dear lord, what have I gotten myself into now?�? to the end of his swearing in, and every president since has followed suit. He also delivered the first Inaugural Address.

Some of Washington’s precedents didn’t catch on quite so well. Like, for instance, the “Inaugural body shot," to be taken off an agreed upon section of the first lady just after swearing in, or the “Presidential Pig-Pile,�? discarded when the number of states, and therefore the number of senators, increased, and the pile itself grew so large that Herm Boswell (R-Tennessee) suffocated to death beneath the bushel of politicians in 1879.

Since Washington, the Inauguration Ceremony has aged and matured through the years like a fine pastry. Our present Inaugural “cake�? is made up of eight delicious “layers". (“events" for those of you who don’t get the pastry metaphor)

Morning Worship Ceremony

Former president Franklin Delano Roosevelt began the tradition of attending religious ceremonies the morning of Inauguration in 1933, after a power surge overloaded his favorite radio and he could no longer get broadcasts of the Yankees games on WNBC. Every successive president has since followed his example, with the exception of Former Pres. Richard M. Nixon, whose political career and reputation was consequently squashed. He spent his twilight years asking God for forgiveness, or, should forgiveness not be possible, the lead role in a Broadway musical.

Procession to Capital

From morning worship, the President-elect then proceeds to the steps of the White House to meet up with the incumbent for the procession to the capital. The President-elect and lame duck incumbent share a ride next to each other, a symbolic gesture that represents the passing of batons from one administration to the next, sometimes involving grabbing, kicking, and whining. This tradition began with Presidents Martin Van Buren and Andrew Jackson in 1837 when they rode together in horse-drawn carriage, and has more or less continued throughout the years. Warren G. Harding became the first President to ride to the capital in an automobile in 1921. Ronald Regan, the first to ride in the Oscar-Meyer Weiner Mobile in 1981.

Vice President’s Swearing-in Ceremony

No one really cares about the Vice President’s swearing-in ceremony. Dick Cheney is trying to draw a larger audience through liberal use of curse words and nipple tassels.

Presidential Swearing-in Ceremony

The moment you’ve been waiting for arrives. The President-elect, in front of the Senate, Congress, and the entire nation, gets to prove whether or not he can competently repeat words told to him by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Extra points get tossed his way if he can do so without cracking up or farting. If your President-elect says “I, state your name," rather than actually saying his name, you may be on your own for the next four years.

While the Presidential swearing-in traditionally takes place in front of the Capital Building, the untimely deaths and resignations of certain presidents haven’t always allowed for this luxury. Calvin Coolidge was sworn in by his father, a notary public, in rural Vermont after the death of President Harding. Lyndon Johnson was sworn in by Judge Sarah T. Hughes on Air Force One at Love Field in Dallas, Texas, after the assassination of President Kennedy. But the most famous (or perhaps infamous) swearing-in was that of Gerald Ford after the resignation of President Nixon, which took place on national television during the filming of skit comedy show Hee-Haw. Comedian George Burns performed the swearing-in while dressed as a farmer.

Inaugural Address

Once sworn in, the new President is expected to deliver his Inaugural Address before the nation. Some of the more striking presidential sound bites have been spoken during past addresses, including JFK’s “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,�? FDR’s “We have nothing to fear but fear itself," and Bill Clinton’s spoken word rendition of “Crazy Train."

We can all learn the value of brevity from William Henry Harrison’s address in 1841. The longest Inaugural address to date, (8,445 words) Harrison delivered it during a bitterly cold and wet day and died one month later of pneumonia, becoming the first and only person to actually bore himself to death.

Inaugural Luncheon

The office of the presidency now affirmed, the Inaugural party enjoys a rich and hearty dinner. How many ways are there to cook a steak? -you might be wondering. The Bush answer: “I love to bring people into the oval office...and say, this is where I office."

Inaugural Parade

Here is where things get glitzy. We’re talking jets, fireworks, marching bands, ticker-tape, cockfighting tournaments, babies juggling babies, Jesus singing Bett Midler. If you love a parade, then try and imagine a Presidential Parade. Dwight Eisenhower had the biggest presidential parade in history, which actually featured a comet this size of Utah crashing into the Earth.

Inaugural Ball

Finally, after a busy January 20th, the elected administration gets to cut loose and P-A-R-T-Y! Those of you who have never seen a fat man wearing a pinwheel hat doing the twist should prepare yourselves, because there will be plenty.

Should you find yourself to be one of the selected few thousand invited to the President’s Inaugural Ball, I have one last thing to tell you: There will be pina coladas. A Bush family recipe from the days of yore, meant to be a fertility drink to encourage the survival of the family line. Stay away from them! That’s not coconut in there!

So now you know all there is to know about Inauguratin’. Excited? Hopefully, this January 20th will be a day you’ll never forget, like the day your grandma died, or that time you got your head shoved in the locker room toilet. Sweet, sweet memories.