Helpful Advice for Helpless Conspiracy Theorists

Originally Published on Music for America, 6/26/05.

A response to this article by Mike Connery on knee-jerk progressivism. Please please please please please read on if you believe or have ever previously believed:

• the Apollo 11 moon landing was faked,


• the CIA killed JFK, MLK, or Bob Marley,


• Midwestern farmers are being probed on a weekly basis,


• Elvis, Jim Morrison and Bruce Lee are still alive,


• Dick Cheney is an android,


• Osama currently lives a life of luxury in the Vermeal Room of the White House,


• in Bigfoot, the Mothman, Roswell, psychic vampires.


If you found yourself nodding your head while reading this list, or have handful of items to add to it, you just might be a conspiracy theorist. And that’s cool. Some of the greatest minds of the 20th century worked just like yours. But if you’re interested in bringing about real social change, or making those bastards pay (whoever they may be), here are some things to consider before publishing the tour-de-force expose that’s currently working on your word processor.

A conspiracy theory is like a timid lover…

You wouldn’t just go up to that shy, doe-eyed, object of your affections and blurt “I love you,” right? Certainly not, because to do so would scare him/her off and ruin any chance at your being together. By that same token, you shouldn’t let a conspiracy theory loose on the world unless you think your case would hold up in a court of law. In fact, spitting conspiracy theories without sufficient proof to back up your findings actually hurts your cause. Most non-theorists will think you're crazy, which works against you. On top of that, if your theory is correct, you’re alerting the accused parties that you’re on to them before you really have the resources to stop any injustices. This gives the bastards the opportunity to quickly cover-up any available evidence.

A hypothetical situation



Step into my time machine and take a trip back in time to the California energy crisis. It’s the nineties, and you think that the rolling brownouts across the state may be the result of a greedy power company trying to drive up energy prices, affect state policy, or rally support for public funding to build a new nuclear plant. In this case, you’d have been right.

Today we have evidence that Enron may have been fucking with California. Some suspicious memos were leaked, some maniacal phone calls recorded, and suddenly the accusations didn't seem so wild anymore. For the purpose of this article, however, we're going to pretend that this evidence never surfaced, and that Enron is still bein' their scandelous selves over in Cali.

Do your research

If you suspected Enron of something fishy, and you wanted to stop them, the smart thing to do would’ve been to check into the numbers. Try hunting around for as much info as you can. Make some phone calls if need be, say you're an investor, or the press or something. In this case, the saying "knowledge is power" is true. Most businesses get away with being naughty merely because they're quiet about it. Collecting information might reveal a slip-up, and will help you out later on if you decide to pick a fight.

Hit 'em where it hurts, their wallets

Money makes the world go 'round, so once you've become an expert on your enemy, you should be thinking of ways you can stem the flow of dollars into their bank accounts.

Accusations don't harm anyone. But if you can push a policy that will cut into the profits of a business like Enron, they're bound to take notice. Try and make a coherent argument that people will be able to follow. If I can use the Enron example again, something like this might have been effective:

Brownouts have been sweeping over California because of wasteful American industries. Studies from 2000 show that Business X consumed the most energy of any business in the state of California. Therefore, citizens who want to see an end to the brownouts should boycott Business X in favor of environmentally conscious Alternative Y.

A few things about this argument:


• Don't make up this information, figure out who rightfully deserves public scrutiny and point a finger. Business X would ideally be some wasteful bastard of a business that you've already got some beef with, or better yet, a business closely aligned with Enron.


• Notice how the argument would give concerned Americans something to do in protest of the situation. Don't buy this, buy this. If you can keep it simple and coherent, people might actually act on your proposed policy.


• Notice the lack of paranoia and liberal bitching in the language. This isn't about bitching and moaning, it's about proposing a viable solution to any given problem.


• Make sure your proposal addresses the initial problem (the brownouts) so the people you're fighting know what you think they should stop doing if your tactic proves to be an effective one.
  
• Lastly, promote a friend. Alternative Y can be any business that you think has sound policies and is socially responsible. That way, even if your initial theory is wrong, and your proposed solution flawed, you're at the very least promoting a better world.


If your argument is sound, it may just catch like wildfire. And if enough people jump onto your bandwagon, whoever you're fighting might start to feel a finacial effect, and cut the funny stuff. Of course, if your fighting the psychic vampires, you might need a different tactic.



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I'm no master strategist, but if you follow these instructions you'll at least be making some headway for change, as opposed to spouting looney conspiracy theories which enforce the existing power structures.

So, the three major steps for turning your conspiracy theory into something useful:


1. Keep your theories to yourself.


2. Get super duper informed.


3. Suggest a coherent policy that offers a viable alternative, promotes a socially responsible culture, and harms irresponsible "big businesses" financially.

Again, I'm no expert, but I am interested in creating solutions, and making MFA an informational resource for progressives. I open these ideas up to the general community. Anything anyone wishes to add, criticize or discuss in further detail, please comment below.