The Commuter Wars: Bikes rule, cars smell, let's all go get some hot dogs.

Originally Published on Music for America, 9/26/05.

I was drunk and hungry when I rolled up to the Taco Bell drive-thru. It was 1 am. I was riding a bicycle, and my dreams of crunchy tacos were about to be dashed to pieces.

The charmingly fuzzy intercom voice informed me and my two-wheeled whip that the drive-thru was for cars only. When businesses refuse to take your money based on your mode of transportation, you know there's a culture war a-brewing.

So, fellow bicyclists, if this is a war, then we are the soldiers. Line up everyone, it's time to survey our forces. Roll call!



The Bike Ninja

If you've ever seen some dude cut straight through rush hour traffic without slowing down, then you understand what it means to be a bike ninja. Bike ninjas ignore lanes and traffic laws. They ride up on sidewalks and down narrow alleyways. Though seemingly reckless, they are always aware of their surroundings and they never cause accidents. Like a gust of wind, they are subtle and elusive, present and then gone, causing you to scratch your head and wonder whether they were just a figment of your imagination.

This category also includes BMX riders, who employ the ninja techniques of wheelie poppin' and bunny hoppin'.

Chopper Gangs

Choppers are altered bicycles, usually designed with extended front forks to look like low-riders. See image below:



Chopper enthusiasts are as close as bicyclists get to the conventional bikers, or motorcyclists. They ride in packs and range from very dirty to kinda dirty. They pretend to be mean, but are mostly happy-go-lucky, and can sometimes be found in bars dancing to Cyndi Lauper tunes on the juke.

Chopper gangs bring flair to the art of bike repair and are very talented mechanics.

Some notable chopper chapters include CRUD, based in San Francisco, and SCUL, out of Boston. Look them up if you want to go party and then ride around and be goofy.

The Professionals

Professional bike riders are anyone who rides their bike for a living. This includes the Tour de France types as well as the bike messengers. These are some of the healthiest and most talented people in the world, and will leave you choking on their dust everytime. Professionals can be identified by one or more of the following:

1. Geeky skin-tight uniforms


2. Single speed "fixed" gears


3. big lumpy "bike muscles" on their inner thighs

Professionals obey all traffic laws, and are generally intense and focused individuals.

The Utilitarians

Last but not least, utilitarians are people who ride bikes simply to get around. A utilitarian would probably buy a car if he/she could afford one, and therefore are the most reluctant members of the bicycle armada. They are our draftees. Utilitarians ride cheap, squeaky bikes with warped wheels. They often don't have all the luxeries of your average bike, such as working gears or brakes, although they are more likely to have kick stands.

*Note: This list only includes road bikers, which is why there is no mention of mountain bikes.

Our Strategy

Just as no one likes a self-righteous vegetarian (sorry guys, it's true), nobody likes a self-righteous bicyclist as well. It's important we remember that our society depends on cars, and they can be cool for moving large heavy objecs from place to place, and driving across country. For the most part, the bike armada just wants people to use their cars in moderation, okay you crazy motorists?

So, with that in mind, here's our strategy. We the bicycle armada, being of sound mind and body, will hereby:

• be humbly content with our civic-minded, healthy lifestyles


• be courteous to motorists, when possible


• be enthusiastic and inclusive to those outside the fold


• encourage more bike riding by saying things such as:
  
  • Yo homeslice, let's ride to the park and then play around on the swings or
  
  
  • I bet I can beat you in a bike race to the hotdog stand


• be aware the next time we are flying down a hill, and the sun is setting, and the pavement blurs beneath our feet, and the wind is rushing through our hair, making our eyes water, our cheeks rosy and our noses run, that there is no other place in the entire world we'd rather be than straddling that banana seat.

Sound good to you? Well then turn off your goddamn computer and go enjoy yourself.

January 20th, 2005: Your definitive guide to Inauguration Day

This Thursday, January 20th marks the 55th presidential inauguration and the re-swearing of incumbent George Walker Bush to the office of the President of the United States of America. Snuck right up on you, eh? Stay calm, now; please, stop screaming. While time may be running out, you will still have the opportunity to strap on your square-dancing pants and prepare yourself for what could be the event gala of the waning half of January ’05.

Do you like parades? Fancy dinners? Tightly packed ballrooms clouded with the cigar smoke of the illustriously industriously wealthy? Are you only mildly annoyed by protestors? Then Inauguration ’05 is the place for you! I’ve written up a synopsis on the rich and sometimes scandalous history of American Inauguration to ease your salivating anticipation. Enjoy!

A Brief History of The Inauguration Ceremony

The first Inauguration Ceremony corresponded (rather appropriately) with the induction of our nation’s first President, George Washington, to office. Our nation’s capital yet to have been built, the ceremony took place in the Federal Hall building of Temptation Island, later renamed New York City. Due to a lack of previous presidents, Washington had little choice but to establish ceremonial procedure which would later evolve into lasting traditions. Washington himself ad-libbed the phrase, “dear lord, what have I gotten myself into now?�? to the end of his swearing in, and every president since has followed suit. He also delivered the first Inaugural Address.

Some of Washington’s precedents didn’t catch on quite so well. Like, for instance, the “Inaugural body shot," to be taken off an agreed upon section of the first lady just after swearing in, or the “Presidential Pig-Pile,�? discarded when the number of states, and therefore the number of senators, increased, and the pile itself grew so large that Herm Boswell (R-Tennessee) suffocated to death beneath the bushel of politicians in 1879.

Since Washington, the Inauguration Ceremony has aged and matured through the years like a fine pastry. Our present Inaugural “cake�? is made up of eight delicious “layers". (“events" for those of you who don’t get the pastry metaphor)

Morning Worship Ceremony

Former president Franklin Delano Roosevelt began the tradition of attending religious ceremonies the morning of Inauguration in 1933, after a power surge overloaded his favorite radio and he could no longer get broadcasts of the Yankees games on WNBC. Every successive president has since followed his example, with the exception of Former Pres. Richard M. Nixon, whose political career and reputation was consequently squashed. He spent his twilight years asking God for forgiveness, or, should forgiveness not be possible, the lead role in a Broadway musical.

Procession to Capital

From morning worship, the President-elect then proceeds to the steps of the White House to meet up with the incumbent for the procession to the capital. The President-elect and lame duck incumbent share a ride next to each other, a symbolic gesture that represents the passing of batons from one administration to the next, sometimes involving grabbing, kicking, and whining. This tradition began with Presidents Martin Van Buren and Andrew Jackson in 1837 when they rode together in horse-drawn carriage, and has more or less continued throughout the years. Warren G. Harding became the first President to ride to the capital in an automobile in 1921. Ronald Regan, the first to ride in the Oscar-Meyer Weiner Mobile in 1981.

Vice President’s Swearing-in Ceremony

No one really cares about the Vice President’s swearing-in ceremony. Dick Cheney is trying to draw a larger audience through liberal use of curse words and nipple tassels.

Presidential Swearing-in Ceremony

The moment you’ve been waiting for arrives. The President-elect, in front of the Senate, Congress, and the entire nation, gets to prove whether or not he can competently repeat words told to him by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Extra points get tossed his way if he can do so without cracking up or farting. If your President-elect says “I, state your name," rather than actually saying his name, you may be on your own for the next four years.

While the Presidential swearing-in traditionally takes place in front of the Capital Building, the untimely deaths and resignations of certain presidents haven’t always allowed for this luxury. Calvin Coolidge was sworn in by his father, a notary public, in rural Vermont after the death of President Harding. Lyndon Johnson was sworn in by Judge Sarah T. Hughes on Air Force One at Love Field in Dallas, Texas, after the assassination of President Kennedy. But the most famous (or perhaps infamous) swearing-in was that of Gerald Ford after the resignation of President Nixon, which took place on national television during the filming of skit comedy show Hee-Haw. Comedian George Burns performed the swearing-in while dressed as a farmer.

Inaugural Address

Once sworn in, the new President is expected to deliver his Inaugural Address before the nation. Some of the more striking presidential sound bites have been spoken during past addresses, including JFK’s “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,�? FDR’s “We have nothing to fear but fear itself," and Bill Clinton’s spoken word rendition of “Crazy Train."

We can all learn the value of brevity from William Henry Harrison’s address in 1841. The longest Inaugural address to date, (8,445 words) Harrison delivered it during a bitterly cold and wet day and died one month later of pneumonia, becoming the first and only person to actually bore himself to death.

Inaugural Luncheon

The office of the presidency now affirmed, the Inaugural party enjoys a rich and hearty dinner. How many ways are there to cook a steak? -you might be wondering. The Bush answer: “I love to bring people into the oval office...and say, this is where I office."

Inaugural Parade

Here is where things get glitzy. We’re talking jets, fireworks, marching bands, ticker-tape, cockfighting tournaments, babies juggling babies, Jesus singing Bett Midler. If you love a parade, then try and imagine a Presidential Parade. Dwight Eisenhower had the biggest presidential parade in history, which actually featured a comet this size of Utah crashing into the Earth.

Inaugural Ball

Finally, after a busy January 20th, the elected administration gets to cut loose and P-A-R-T-Y! Those of you who have never seen a fat man wearing a pinwheel hat doing the twist should prepare yourselves, because there will be plenty.

Should you find yourself to be one of the selected few thousand invited to the President’s Inaugural Ball, I have one last thing to tell you: There will be pina coladas. A Bush family recipe from the days of yore, meant to be a fertility drink to encourage the survival of the family line. Stay away from them! That’s not coconut in there!

So now you know all there is to know about Inauguratin’. Excited? Hopefully, this January 20th will be a day you’ll never forget, like the day your grandma died, or that time you got your head shoved in the locker room toilet. Sweet, sweet memories.

Gerald Ford dies at the age of 83... er, 93.

Dana Carvey Calls it 10 years prior on SNL. Remember the man.