Helpful Advice for Helpless Conspiracy Theorists

Originally Published on Music for America, 6/26/05.

A response to this article by Mike Connery on knee-jerk progressivism. Please please please please please read on if you believe or have ever previously believed:

• the Apollo 11 moon landing was faked,


• the CIA killed JFK, MLK, or Bob Marley,


• Midwestern farmers are being probed on a weekly basis,


• Elvis, Jim Morrison and Bruce Lee are still alive,


• Dick Cheney is an android,


• Osama currently lives a life of luxury in the Vermeal Room of the White House,


• in Bigfoot, the Mothman, Roswell, psychic vampires.


If you found yourself nodding your head while reading this list, or have handful of items to add to it, you just might be a conspiracy theorist. And that’s cool. Some of the greatest minds of the 20th century worked just like yours. But if you’re interested in bringing about real social change, or making those bastards pay (whoever they may be), here are some things to consider before publishing the tour-de-force expose that’s currently working on your word processor.

A conspiracy theory is like a timid lover…

You wouldn’t just go up to that shy, doe-eyed, object of your affections and blurt “I love you,” right? Certainly not, because to do so would scare him/her off and ruin any chance at your being together. By that same token, you shouldn’t let a conspiracy theory loose on the world unless you think your case would hold up in a court of law. In fact, spitting conspiracy theories without sufficient proof to back up your findings actually hurts your cause. Most non-theorists will think you're crazy, which works against you. On top of that, if your theory is correct, you’re alerting the accused parties that you’re on to them before you really have the resources to stop any injustices. This gives the bastards the opportunity to quickly cover-up any available evidence.

A hypothetical situation



Step into my time machine and take a trip back in time to the California energy crisis. It’s the nineties, and you think that the rolling brownouts across the state may be the result of a greedy power company trying to drive up energy prices, affect state policy, or rally support for public funding to build a new nuclear plant. In this case, you’d have been right.

Today we have evidence that Enron may have been fucking with California. Some suspicious memos were leaked, some maniacal phone calls recorded, and suddenly the accusations didn't seem so wild anymore. For the purpose of this article, however, we're going to pretend that this evidence never surfaced, and that Enron is still bein' their scandelous selves over in Cali.

Do your research

If you suspected Enron of something fishy, and you wanted to stop them, the smart thing to do would’ve been to check into the numbers. Try hunting around for as much info as you can. Make some phone calls if need be, say you're an investor, or the press or something. In this case, the saying "knowledge is power" is true. Most businesses get away with being naughty merely because they're quiet about it. Collecting information might reveal a slip-up, and will help you out later on if you decide to pick a fight.

Hit 'em where it hurts, their wallets

Money makes the world go 'round, so once you've become an expert on your enemy, you should be thinking of ways you can stem the flow of dollars into their bank accounts.

Accusations don't harm anyone. But if you can push a policy that will cut into the profits of a business like Enron, they're bound to take notice. Try and make a coherent argument that people will be able to follow. If I can use the Enron example again, something like this might have been effective:

Brownouts have been sweeping over California because of wasteful American industries. Studies from 2000 show that Business X consumed the most energy of any business in the state of California. Therefore, citizens who want to see an end to the brownouts should boycott Business X in favor of environmentally conscious Alternative Y.

A few things about this argument:


• Don't make up this information, figure out who rightfully deserves public scrutiny and point a finger. Business X would ideally be some wasteful bastard of a business that you've already got some beef with, or better yet, a business closely aligned with Enron.


• Notice how the argument would give concerned Americans something to do in protest of the situation. Don't buy this, buy this. If you can keep it simple and coherent, people might actually act on your proposed policy.


• Notice the lack of paranoia and liberal bitching in the language. This isn't about bitching and moaning, it's about proposing a viable solution to any given problem.


• Make sure your proposal addresses the initial problem (the brownouts) so the people you're fighting know what you think they should stop doing if your tactic proves to be an effective one.
  
• Lastly, promote a friend. Alternative Y can be any business that you think has sound policies and is socially responsible. That way, even if your initial theory is wrong, and your proposed solution flawed, you're at the very least promoting a better world.


If your argument is sound, it may just catch like wildfire. And if enough people jump onto your bandwagon, whoever you're fighting might start to feel a finacial effect, and cut the funny stuff. Of course, if your fighting the psychic vampires, you might need a different tactic.



---


I'm no master strategist, but if you follow these instructions you'll at least be making some headway for change, as opposed to spouting looney conspiracy theories which enforce the existing power structures.

So, the three major steps for turning your conspiracy theory into something useful:


1. Keep your theories to yourself.


2. Get super duper informed.


3. Suggest a coherent policy that offers a viable alternative, promotes a socially responsible culture, and harms irresponsible "big businesses" financially.

Again, I'm no expert, but I am interested in creating solutions, and making MFA an informational resource for progressives. I open these ideas up to the general community. Anything anyone wishes to add, criticize or discuss in further detail, please comment below.

Let's hear it for the pocket protector crowd.

Originally published on Music for America.

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Today I'm gonna teach you why you should be grateful for having all these pent-up obsessive dorks blogging and commenting on political stuffs 24/7/365.

There is a practice called google bombing, and it's the reason why when you google the word failure, George W. Bush comes up as entry #1.

Basically, it works like this:


Whenever you get on the internet and do a google search for, say Kenny Loggins or whatever it is you spend your time searching for, google.com indexes every time the words Kenny Loggins link to a website. The website that has the most kenny logginses linking in to it wins and receives the number 1 slot on your google search results. The idea is that collectively, the majority of people will link to the most relevant Kenny Loggins sites out there.

OF course, once you understand how this works, you can start to manipulate the system. But you need a whole lotta help.

And that's where the dorks come in. They're smart, and organized. From MyDD:

According to the Pew Internet and American Life Project, the number one way that voters use the Internet for political action is to search for information on candidates.

I will compile a list of seventy articles... Every article will focus on a different Republican candidate, and will be written by as generally trusted a news source as possible. It will also present as unflattering a view on the Republican candidate as possible... I will produce an article... that embeds that negative article into a hyperlink that names the Republican candidate... [and] send a copy of that post out to as many bloggers as possible, who can also place the post on their blogs.

The result of this should be that the most damning, non-partisan article written on every key Republican candidate for house and Senate will appear both high on every Google search for that candidate, and automatically as an advertisement on every search for that candidate.

Sorry that this sounds so blantantly partisan, folks, but the truth is that all of these re-thugs gotta go.

This is just one way that the bloggers (collectively they call themselves the "Netroots") work together intelligently to make a difference. I will play this game. You should too. All hail the dorks.

bombs away.

---

--AZ-Sen: Jon Kyl


--AZ-01: Rick Renzi


--AZ-05: J.D. Hayworth



--CA-04: John Doolittle


--CA-11: Richard Pombo


--CA-50: Brian Bilbray


--CO-04: Marilyn Musgrave


--CO-05: Doug Lamborn


--CO-07: Rick O'Donnell



--CT-04: Christopher Shays


--FL-13: Vernon Buchanan


--FL-16: Joe Negron


--FL-22: Clay Shaw


--ID-01: Bill Sali


--IL-06: Peter Roskam



--IL-10: Mark Kirk


--IL-14: Dennis Hastert


--IN-02: Chris Chocola


--IN-08: John Hostettler


--IA-01: Mike Whalen


--KS-02: Jim Ryun



--KY-03: Anne Northup


--KY-04: Geoff Davis


--MD-Sen: Michael Steele


--MN-01: Gil Gutknecht


--MN-06: Michele Bachmann


--MO-Sen: Jim Talent



--MT-Sen: Conrad Burns


--NV-03: Jon Porter


--NH-02: Charlie Bass


--NJ-07: Mike Ferguson


--NM-01: Heather Wilson


--NY-03: Peter King



--NY-20: John Sweeney


--NY-26: Tom Reynolds


--NY-29: Randy Kuhl


--NC-08: Robin Hayes


--NC-11: Charles Taylor


--OH-01: Steve Chabot



--OH-02: Jean Schmidt


--OH-15: Deborah Pryce


--OH-18: Joy Padgett


--PA-04: Melissa Hart


--PA-07: Curt Weldon


--PA-08: Mike Fitzpatrick



--PA-10: Don Sherwood


--RI-Sen: Lincoln Chafee


--TN-Sen: Bob Corker


--VA-Sen: George Allen


--VA-10: Frank Wolf


--WA-Sen: Mike McGavick



--WA-08: Dave Reichert

Do the right thing all over again.

The biggest headline in Oakland California this Thanksgiving completely missed the spirit of the holiday. Last week, twelve young black men dressed in handsome black tuxedos raided several liquor stores armed with baseball bats. Filled with righteous indignation, the young men systematically destroyed each store's stock of liquor, smashing MGD bottles, teeing off on tall boys of Pabst and laying waste to Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.

They didn't ask the cashier to open the register, nor did they break a single bone. No, the intent behind their actions was as simple and clear as their words: Quit poisoning our community!

From the SF Chronicle:

Oakland police arrested two men on felony charges of vandalizing two West Oakland corner markets in attacks in which several men in suits and bow ties demanded that the outlets stop selling liquor to African Americans.

The San Pablo store's surveillance camera caught a group of about a dozen men in suits and bow ties trashing the store. The group took a shotgun belonging to a store clerk.

[Deputy Police Chief Howard] Jordan said the suspects were not affiliated with the Nation of Islam, a national organization led by Louis Farrakhan. Police earlier indicated that the suspects were wearing suits and bow ties consistent with Nation of Islam dress.

If you don't know anything about the Nation of Islam, a very brief explanation can be found here, but let me first set the record straight and say that the Nation is a non-violent organization and that the 12 young men, though probably connected to the religion in some way, were acting independently and of their own accord.

There are hundreds of liquor stores in Oakland, thickly settled in the rougher neighborhoods. The Yemenie American Grocers Association represents over 250 liquor stores, including the three attacked. The majority of these stores' customers are the homeless, the poor and the addict-prone, who purchase 35 cent malt beers.

I see little difference between a liquor store that encourages an unhealthy community and an industry that nurtures a crooked society, or a government that pushes a harmful foreign policy.

An Oakland resident myself, I sympathize with these dudez who want to enact positive change on the hood. But I don't subscribe to their methods. In fact, with insurance, the stores they were trying to destroy are guaranteed compensation, and may even receive more money than the goods were worth.

Yah, dood, they burned the Picasso, they trashed my Harley and they stol' 5 fabrige eggs.

This Do the Right Thing type destruction is not an effective method for bringing change to our society. Love for your community, desire to protect your neighbors... these are progressive values. We need to find a way to work with individuals like these who share our goals to help them find real solutions to the problems in their lives.